New Hot Sauce

While sitting around at the local Mexican restaurant, we discovered something disconcerting. None of the hot sauces were so hot they were lethal. The ones they claimed were so hot to be detrimental to physical health that they required us to sign a waiver weren't exactly that great. Sure, the sauces were hot, but we didn't lose consciousness nor were we rushed to the hospital. To remedy this problem, we got together with our culinary science department to create the hottest sauce ever. Combining special peppers grown on Incan burial grounds in South America with modern chemistry, we've created Death Sauce. A sauce so hot it will literally cause the death of lesser men. Strong men will be hospitalized for a week, but it is truly worth it. We won't even ask you to sign a waiver because we guarantee you'll be physically harmed. Try to find a hot sauce with that level of customer commitment.

Secretary of Ass-Whuppin'

We here at DSFDFPWACPW Inc. are proud to announce we are actively lobbying to get a new cabinet position created. We noticed a major hole in our government's function. Certain parts of it have no business, so funding this new position will be simple. We figured that simply having a Secretary of Defense is simply not enough. That implies we're just going to sit around while the enemy comes at us. So, we are lobbying to create the Secretary of Ass-Whuppin'. We'll lobby to fund it by shutting down the evil Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. We can safely put those overseas threats in their place and smoke our lungs out in the process. We'll gladly supply the smokes, booze, and guns.

Home Defense

Now introducing DSFDFPWACPW Inc.'s new line of home-defense weaponry: the Huge-Ass Gun 18! This magnificant piece of weaponry can be anchored to your backyard. We'll even install the foundation. For those lucky enough to have a railroad in their backyard, the HAG-18 can be equipped on a railway car (sold separately) for ease of transportation. Capable of firing 2 ton shells up to a mile away, you can be safe in your knowledge that even the most heavily armored of threats cannot escape your reach.

New Product

Now introducing DSFDFPWACPW's new line in consumer comfort: the Doomsday Clock Car! What better way to embrace the future than owning your own plutonium powered hotrod. When we say hotrod, we mean there are some mighty radioactive coolant rods in this bad-boy. Sporting 0-60 in 1.2 seconds and an amazing 4.3 second quarter mile time, this baby can blow down the highway, ignoring speed limit signs like no other vehicle.

The DCC has a number of highly important amenities: GPS locater, firearm mountings (guns sold separately), CFC pumping AC, heating, seat warmers, glass child enclosures and gigantic cup holders. Optional features include airbags, seat belts and radiation shielding.

The DCC comes in whatever color you may want it to be and we even include lead-based paints that can kill small household pets. All vehicles come with a standard green glow that looks great at night.

What better way to flip the finger at our favorite oil baron despots like Hugo Chávez by cutting off their entire source of income? You'll be riding in style while their commie loving asses are rotting in the hellhole they created. Act fast, quantities are limited. Order now!

Welcome to DSFDFPWACPW Inc.

Yes we will ship your AR15 upper sir. Hell, we'll send the whole damn gun. With the ammunition. Be forewarned the driver may take it out for target practice if you do that. We will also manufacture anything that could be used to kill more efficiently. MARPAT, aftermarket sights for your Benelli, Danner Boots, you name it... All in huge bulk at low low prices.

Even though the company founder neither smokes nor drinks, we will make big smelly cigars and scotch too. The brand name will be "This shit will kill you if you consume it. You can consume this shit all you want so long as you leave me out of it."

We will put Walmart out of business. Our grocery section will stock MREs. Smartwool socks will be in our apparel department, including tiny little ones for baby. Buy $100 worth of gas, get a coupon for a free pack of CCI stingers or Marlboro Reds, your choice dammit.

There will be no warning labels on any of our shit save one: "This shit is inherently dangerous. If you hurt or kill yourself with this, either you are a dumbass or someone who is supposed to be protecting you is a dumbass".

You want to order one of our cars without safety belts set up so it doesn't meet emissions standards? No problem hell we probably got one here on the lot.

All this and more at DSFDFPWACPW Inc. Keep checking back for our new products and other pieces of news you'd be crazy to miss.